It’s been a good while since I’ve sat down to write. I admit I can be my own worst critic when it comes to writing. It can be rewarding and fun and feel as if I am serving a purpose but I can also experience a level of self-doubt that comes in to chip away at my confidence. Allow me to explain.
Two years ago when I published my first book, I began feeling the weight of this doubt. I spent countless hours in revision. I didn’t feel it was written to the best of my ability, or that it was laid out properly, that it might be boring or outdated. Somewhere and somehow I was missing the mark. I love my book. It was an incredible experience for me to work with a freelance editor in California and a brilliant illustrator out of Serbia. My husband’s involvement was huge as well with his technology expertise. It was exciting and a fairly new concept in self-publishing. Moreover, it was created out of a desire to get my children more interested in reading. They love hearing stories. They were elated that the book was dedicated to them. They also love to read.
So why had I let so much insecurity in at a time that should have been filled with joy and fun? Why did I feel that this book wasn’t good enough? Why did I feel uncomfortable visiting a school to share my book? Why didn’t my friends write a review for me on Amazon where my book is sold? Friends, the list goes on and on.
I recently took a temperament (or colors) assessment adapted from the book, I Said This, You Heard That by Kathleen Edelman. I believe I took a test like it in the 90’s and the findings were similar. My husband, Nick took the assessment as well. He scored high in green and yellow, which means he’s basically people-oriented, fun and harmonious. If you know him, you know it couldn’t be any closer to the truth. I, on the other hand, am a blue. I have a dominant melancholic temperament. I was a little sad about how blue I actually am, as any blue would be. Lol! My next color is green. I love people but I also crave solitude. I direct my thoughts inward. I’m cautious. I want to be understood and feel supported. I’m empathetic. I can be moody. I’m task-oriented and have a perfectionist side. After taking this assessment, I understand why I can sometimes fall back into self-deprecating thoughts like the one’s I experienced during and after publishing my book, and how these thoughts and my words affect how I interact with others. I see my strengths but I feel my weaknesses. There is work to be done here. I’ll make a list of such work I’m sure of it. I definitely recommend taking this assessment for yourself. I’d love to hear the findings.
This leads me to what I’ve uncovered. Nick and I have been attending Cedar Creek Church on-line for well over a year now. This past weekend we made the decision to go back in-person. It felt amazing as a family. However, in switching churches and watching from a distance for so long, we know practically no one. In this moment of returning when I was initially overwhelmed with great emotion to do so, insecurity once again took center stage. False thoughts crept in and circled around in my head. I felt completely out of place. I’m convinced the enemy had his hand in this the moment I stepped foot into our beautiful church building. But wait! I can’t change my blue-ness but I can choose to see things differently. I can choose which thoughts to listen to, just as I can choose the words that I speak. So I allowed myself to feel these false thoughts for a short while and then immediately dispelled them. And a huge thanks to everyone who made our family feel so welcome on this night. I know I’m not alone in this after walking back into church after what felt like an eternity away.
You see, we all have strengths and weaknesses. It’s not until we truly discover and confront them that we can put them to work for the better, to communicate more effectively, to guard against ill-chosen thoughts and words and to honestly become all the God has created us to be. Writing makes me feel alive. It’s more than a hobby. But here’s the kicker. Seeking the approval of others will never get me anywhere. Harboring negative thoughts is part of my past and doesn’t deserve a place in my future. Setting my focus on gaining God’s approval should be everything I need and more. Writing is very much a part of my journey, my purpose and one of the plans He’s had for me all along. I need not be insecure in that.
” Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Ephesians 4:29
