From Complicated Grief to Restored Faith

Next week, my family and I will recognize the one year anniversary since my father passed away from brain cancer. If you have ever lost someone close to you, you know the grief that can ensue and how differently it affects everyone in your family. It’s unique to each of us. This is just my account of how grief took hold of my life for a while, how I was restored and what I gained through it all.

In the initial months following my father’s death, I was doing alright. Then a shift happened. After putting everyone else’s needs before my own and not allowing myself to properly grieve, I grew empty and entered into a very dark period. In this nonconsensual state, I kept reliving the horrible treatment he received in the rehab facility, his last days in hospice, the scene, the sounds and other details of those days and the ones that followed that were notably traumatic. I also started conjuring up ailments in my mind that myself or my family could have or become ill with. Unchecked, I was allowing my heart to harden and I was mad at others for letting it get that way without holding myself accountable.  It’s important for me to acknowledge that I never doubted God through any of this. I was still going through the motions but wasn’t focused on my prayer life or trying to understand what God was wanting me to gain through my loss. How could I? I was pretty lost. I became bitter towards those I felt weren’t reaching out to me the way I thought they should, the way I surely would if the situation was reversed. Weeks went by and my depressive state grew. I was doing my best at hiding it from just about everyone. I saw medication as the only answer to what I was feeling. I didn’t want that. Then one Monday morning, I dropped out of bed onto my knees and prayed, just prayed, for a sweet while.  This brings tears in recounting. The next day came. As soon as I woke, I saw things very differently. I felt rested and renewed. My mind was at ease. I had new energy. It was overwhelming. I remember going downstairs, looking out my kitchen window and just feeling alive. It was as if a huge dark cloud had been lifted. The sun was so bright.  All I could do was thank God in that very moment. His goodness overwhelms.

This brings me to what I’ve learned. We all grieve differently and should be treated as such, with kindness, warmth and understanding. My spirit is my responsibility. What I focus on ultimately determines the course of my life. Working from an empty vessel, doing things on my own terms and harboring bitterness or strife is my old life. Living in His love, by His word and striving for His perspective in all things is my new life. I signed up for that goodness many years ago. Lastly, I’m reminded that in whatever I’m dealing with, I have a heavenly Father who not only jealously desires to be a part of my life and for me to do things His way, He wants to be the first One I seek.