7 Ways To Fail At Friendship

It’s a beautiful thing to understand another and be understood in such a way that promotes and builds a true and genuine friendship. It allows me the freedom to be exactly who I am and be accepted in a safe and loving space. You know when this type exists and when it doesn’t. I’ve made plenty of mistakes trying to please others at an attempt to win or keep a friendship. Author, Lisa TerKeurst says it best in that, “we must not confuse the command to love with the disease to please.” Cultivating true friendship takes time and requires me to love and be loved.  Not every relationship will go the distance. I mean, if someone treats you poorly, oversteps boundary after boundary or shares information about you that isn’t theirs to share, you wouldn’t exactly stay in that relationship if the behavior continued. So, here’s a few things I’ve learned along the way that can mess up a friendship.

“Let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.” 1 John 3:18

1. Pretend to be someone that I’m not.  Trying to impress others by lowering my standards or changing my behavior and not allowing my true self to be seen is the name of the game here. Am I ever guilty of losing here. If I have to change who I am to fit it, chances are those aren’t my people. In the past I could be sitting at a table with three of my closest friends and for one of them, I’d change my whole persona to fit hers. Not only can others pick up on the crazy vibe, it’s much more authentic to be honest and transparent about who I really am. It’s so much easier not having to hide. I won’t be accepted by everyone and life is too short to mask my true identity in order to seek the approval of others.
2. Withhold honesty and truth. This is where I struggle. I can be open and transparent about myself and accepting when other’s speak into my life, but when truth needs to be shared by me, I can fall short. I scramble for words and out of fear, end up saying nothing. Or, I say too much of the wrong thing and it leads to disaster. As hard as it may be though, I’ve found it unhelpful and unhealthy to not speak up at all.  I think this is especially important when addressing other believers in Christ. Speaking truth is always necessary but not always easy. It may not be what a friend wants to hear, but what they need to hear. It may be painful at times to deliver, but it is necessary in furthering a friendship and absolutely honoring to God. Keep in mind, some people will not like you for speaking the truth. You”ll see that when issues arise and their comfort is compromised, they get defensive and/or run. That’s ok. They may appreciate you for being honest or not. I discovered something important for myself here and the freedom it allows. I realized that I am not responsible for how my words are received as long as I’ve spoken them in love, truth, kindness and with the best intentions. But even the best intentions will be misunderstood.  I had a friend call me to address my attitude over a meal we shared with others a while back. There was a bit of confusion over the splitting of the bill and she felt I was directing my frustrations her way. I wasn’t but she was so right. My attitude was negative and unnecessary. She spoke to me with the best intent and with carefully chosen words.  I not only thanked her for addressing it with me personally, it made me love her even more. Her honesty and correction was just what I needed to hear, truth spoken out of love.
3. Complain too much. There is a big difference between sharing my problems and complaining about them. I love when friends are open and honest about what’s going on in their lives. Being able to stand with them during difficult times is one of the greatest opportunities and responsibilities in friendship. When someone trusts me with their story, their fears, their joys and their problems, it’s an honor to offer encouragement and assistance to help carry them through a challenging time. That being said, it took me a long time to understand and differentiate between what is mine to carry and what isn’t mine to spend much time held captive in, for I could be stunting growth in an area that God wants access to, for believers at least, by enabling a behavior that I don’t agree with and try my best to guard against in myself. Yes, I’m referring to complaining and this is where I draw a solid boundary.  It’s not a fruitful way to live. It not only affects my peace, but the peace of everyone around me. It’s hard to move forward in a friendship with someone who constantly grumbles and complains. Period.
4. Lack true love and acceptance. I think the word love is overused and under appreciated in it’s true form. It’s easy to talk the talk and not walk the walk when it comes to loving others. Love is an action word. I’ve learned that in order for others to love and accept me, I first have to love and accept myself. The same can be said for respect. Even at 44, I struggle with confidence and whether or not I measure up from time to time. I’m a dreamer. I have plenty of ideas beyond being a wife, raising my children, traveling, volunteering here and there and cooking glorious meals for my family. I do plenty of things I don’t choose to highlight too. I have a plan I’ve been throwing around. I have all the details worked out in my head, others I’d ask to come along with me, etc. The thing is, I’m not in a hurry. With a husband who owns a business and devotes a good amount of time to that, family is my focus right now. The end. But why isn’t that enough sometimes? Truth is, there’s no need for me to feel guilty or try to justify why I’m not working tirelessly towards my dreams to make them happen in the time the world deems acceptable. But sometimes I feel I have to. Basically, I’ve gotten caught up in the comparison trap. And what I’ve found is that by appreciating and accepting where I am and holding faithful there, it allows others to do the same and appreciate their own path and what they do. By leading different lives, we come together as friends, as equals to share our successes, our failures, our joys, what have you, each bringing something different to the table.  Out of love, I am accepted for who I am and what I bring to the table, as are you. No more, no less.
5. Be unreliable.  Somewhere along the way, I discovered this to be one of my pet peeves. I’ve gotten better out of respect for others and a realization that not everyone thinks the same way I do. But for me, it’s hard to maintain trust with someone that doesn’t honor their word or follow through on their commitments. I’m not talking about occasionally having to cancel on someone with valid reason, but in repetitively doing so, it can come off as more of an excuse. Sometimes the bravest thing I can do is show up, even when I don’t feel like it. Trust is built moment to moment when I do what I say I’ll do, over and over again.
6. Share what’s not mine to share. I’ve found that my conscience is free from guilt when I don’t behave in a way that’s dishonoring to another by sharing something that’s not mine to share. If I’ve behaved in this way or gossiped at another’s expense, it’s most likely lead to an unhealthy ending or at least left others unable to trust me in a safe way. In a true friendship, confidences are kept. But if mistakes happen, there is allowance on both sides to own up to it, apologize for it and make amends.
7. Make the relationship all about me. There are seasons where I haven’t been in sync, have felt lonely or left out. That lead to some insecurity. I believe now that these times were for my benefit. That’s how God works. According to author, Sharon Hodde Miller, “he takes our exclusion and makes us more like him. He takes our broken relationships and transforms us into better friends.” Perhaps I made a relationship or two about myself. She goes on to say in her book Free of Me, “our best friendships sharpen us and strengthen us. They call us toward our higher selves. They are God’s provision in executing his mission on earth. But friendships make for a terrible mirror. Friendships are for us, but they are not about us. They exist primarily for the glory of God. They point us toward the perfect friendship we have with him, and as long as our friendship remains grounded in that truth, even the broken ones will be swept up into the arc of redemption.” I just love those sweetly chosen words of hers so much.

“Pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another.” Romans 14:19